What the hell am I doing?

What the hell am I doing? "The girls" have left; our Chicago girl's weekend was FUN (aka, lots of drinking, socializing and walking in uncomfortable high heels to/from bars). It was a nice welcome to Chicago and a way for me to ease into my transition to this city; albeit, I didn't get a lot of sleep those 3 nights (especially Sunday night, when "the girls" both had the epiphany that since they had to leave at 5am to get to the airport for their flights home Monday morning, "Let's pull an all-nighter" -- which we did, and fabulously I might add. I think my head hit the pillow at 3:30/4:00am after closing down Stanley's (one of my new favorite hangouts, which I think will be replaced next week by a new favorite hangout) where they were doing Rockaroke (for those not familiar (gasp!!!) with the term, it's Karaoke (you all know how I loooooove me some karaoke) with a.....wait for it.....LIVE BAND!) After 2 Red Bulls and Vodka (which I never drink, but, keep in mind, I had to stay up until 4am so I needed the Red Bull....really? I think it's all make believe, it doesn't give you energy, it just makes you think you're energetic, like Wonder Woman's golden lasso or Superman's cape) I was ready to get my groove on and sing....of course....Sweet Child O' Mine, but when I approached to ask the drummer in the band if he'd help me out with the high parts, he said, "We don't have it"....so no karaoke for Tracy. 

Instead, it was just talking/hanging out with/repeatedly telling some (I found out later) 28 yr old guy (who was uber drunk, uber uber drunk -- it was Pride that day and lots of partying was to be had in ChiTown, who had a lil pony tail in his hair and his shirt on inside out) that NO I will not go home and "snuggle" with him. And NO, I will not go home and "watch a movie" with him (having dated online for as many years as some of my bestest friends' kids have been on the face of this earth, I know what "let's go home to watch a movie" really means). While "the girls" found temporary "soul mates" who will probably text/call/visit them incessantly; I was spending time talking (if his slurring could be considered talking)/half dancing with Snuggle Bunny who I knew I'd never see again (I did tell him to take my card and he said, "I'm never going to see you again" -- can't blame a guy for being honest, right?) Anyway, we catch a cab home together, as "the girls" have abandoned me for brighter horizons. 

We pull up to his street and he tries one more time to convince me of how my life would be ever changed for the better were I to spend a few hours snuggling with him; which I again said NO to, and he pulls out his wallet and he has $1.  I mean, really?  (those are the exact words I said)... $1 when the fare is like $8 and then we have to backtrack to get me back to my hotel....I'm pissed, so I tell him to give me his grimey, wadded up $1, and then he does something (like in a Dr. Seuss novel, like when the Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day....remember the light and aura that came out of the Grinch, well I think I saw that from Snuggle Bunny. He slurred, "Pull up to the next block" - went to the ATM machine, then came back to the cab and threw in a $20 bill. Literally. There was no, "Here you go Tracy, it was nice meeting you/talking to you/staring at your bloodshot eyes for the last 3 hours" - then he slammed the door and staggered (zig zagged) off down the street. The cab fare ended up being like $23. Shazam!  Snuggle Bunny paid for me to get home that night. 

Anyway, back to my lead in, "what the hell am I doing?" --- I am in Chicago!  I am no longer living in my lovely apartment with the view of Lake Union and Seattle that I love so much. I'm in a great, spacious sublet for 3 months in Old Town (Google it, Cute! lots of shops and restaurants and.....BARS. Chicago is certainly not at a loss for bars; but then, why the heck don't they have any liquor stores? "The girls" and I had to trek it like 30 blocks before we finally found a liquor store (after stumbling into a group of senior citizens who had just been robbed or accosted or some similar shenanigans, and there were like 6 of Chicago's finest trying to figure out what went down); anyway, I digress.

What the hell am I doing?  I'm excited, and scared as hell; and then I open up www.huffingtonpost.com this morning (my homepage) and it's all doom and gloom about the environment and joblessness and I look at myself, well...I really just thought to myself, as there was not a mirror in the room at the moment that I could look at myself in, and thought, "what the hell am I doing?"  Yes, I'm here to promote and build my business; but REALLY? in one of the worst recessions our country has seen since THE Depression? 

I could go out every morning, afternoon and night and sample the goods of the plentiful number of restaurants, cafes, bars, etc. that Chicago has to offer (and don't worry, I'll be doing plenty of that), but that costs money my friends, and now I'm worried...what the hell am I doing? I know I had to do "this" with "this" being an adventure to hopefully gain some really cool new clients for Epiphany and ChickChat; and also to discover and rediscover myself, and although (no Richard - lol), it is not my #1 priority -- but maybe if I were to meet a nice man (or 2 or 3 LOL) along the way that would be icing on the cake. An adventure in and of itself.

But it's scary and unfamiliar and although I have my friends all over the place whom I can call (and several of whom I'm betting will be gracing the floor of my new sublet) I am alone here in Chicago; in the Windy City, the City with Big Shoulders? (Bryan told me that one) - where the weather is more resembling Seattle than hot, humid, sticky, hot, humid Chicago (I can't count the # of times people told me, "You're going to Chicago in the summer!???  Whew...hot. Bring it on already :)

And as I sit and wonder, "what the hell am I doing?" I am looking at the lovely little picture that Paige gave me before I left that reads, "Faith is believing that one of two things will happen; that there will be something solid for you to stand on - or that you will be taught to fly." (Yes, it brought a little moisture to my tear ducts....love you girl) and Karen's lil Buddha she gave to watch over me; and the tattered and torn page that I ripped from one of my O Magazines that reads, "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness" and.......I inhale..........and exhale. And I close my eyes; and know that I am loved by so many, and I have been so blessed in my life so far, which has brought me to this point in my life, this new Journey...

And I know that I will be okay.

I'm going to go walk in the rain and get acquainted with my new neighborhood now. 

Till next time, 

Tracy xoxoxo